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Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

MURPHY’S
LESSER KNOWN LAWS


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that it is wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

If my name is to be converted to a non-asian version… then I would be called…

Courtney

Cornelia/Corrine

Chopard?!

Okay, here is a list of scottish names….

The 50 most popular names in England and Wales 2004

Girls’ Names

Emily

Ellie

Jessica

Sophie

Chloë

Lucy

Olivia

Charlotte

Katie

Megan

Grace

Hannah

Amy

Ella

Mia

Lily

Abigail

Emma

Amelia

Molly

Lauren

Millie

Holly

Leah

Caitlin

Rebecca

Georgia

Bethany

Eleanor

Isabelle

Ruby

Daisy

Freya

Isabella

Elizabeth

Jasmine

Erin

Alice

Evie

Amber

Paige

Abbie

Madison

Phoebe

Poppy

Aimee

Courtney

Niamh

Anna

Isabel

Boys’ Names

Jack

Joshua

Thomas

James

Daniel

Samuel

Oliver

William

Benjamin

Joseph

Harry

Matthew

Lewis

Ethan

Luke

Charlie

George

Callum

Alexander

Mohammed

Ryan

Dylan

Jacob

Adam

Ben

Jake

Alfie

Connor

Cameron

Liam

Nathan

Harvey

Jamie

Owen

Tyler

Max

Louis

Kyle

Michael

Kieran

Aaron

Bradley

Edward

Brandon

Alex

Archie

Harrison

Henry

Charles

Toby

10 most popular names in Wales 2004

Girls’ Names

Megan

Ellie

Chloë

Emily

Sophie

Ffion

Katie

Jessica

Caitlin

Lucy

Boys’ Names

Joshua

Jack

Thomas

Dylan

Ethan

Rhys

Daniel

Morgan

James

Benjamin

10 most popular names in Scotland 2004

Girls’ Names

Emma

Sophie

Ellie

Amy

Chloë

Katie

Erin

Emily

Lucy

Hannah

Boys’ Names

Lewis

Jack

James

Cameron

Ryan

Liam

Jamie

Ben

Kyle

Callum

10 most popular names in Northern Ireland 2004

Girls’ Names

Katie

Emma

Ellie

Sophie

Amy

Sarah

Chloë

Niamh

Aimee

Rachel

Boys’ Names

Jack

Matthew

James

Adam

Daniel

Ben

Ryan

Dylan

Conor

Jami

Tips and views from other parents

"Evie is a lovely name. I can see why it’s become popular. I am seriously considering it if we have a dd, and Anthony for a boy"

Alicia

   

                                                                                                      


ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

1. Those who jump off a bridge in

Paris

are in

Seine

.

2. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3.

Dijon

vu – the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

24. Local Area Network in

Australia

: the LAN down under.

25. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

26. A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

30. Once you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

31. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

32. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done

Thoughts for Today!

Ever wonder about those people
who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try
spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

If people from Poland are called

Poles, why aren’t people from
Holland called Holes?Do infants enjoy infancy as much


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

as adults enjoy adultery?If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
  Why do croutons come in airtight


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

packages? Aren’t they  just stale
bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

defrocked, doesn’t it  follow  that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys 
deranged,  models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  I was thinking about how people

 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it
dawned on me …..they’re
cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of

criminals up in the Post Office?
What  are we supposed to do,
write to them? Why don’t they
just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen
can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

a) you learn to drive, or
b)   you are a business manager
trying to get people to do their timesheets on time!
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
  If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 


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