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Releasing a Relationship

Posted on: May 15, 2005


relationship

 

Releasing a Relationship: Recovering from a Break-Up or Divorce

Charles Lightwalker

reprinted with permission

When
John’s girlfriend broke up with him, he couldn’t seem to recover. He
invented excuses to call her and took any warmth from her as a sign of
hope for their reunion. His friends got sick of hearing about her. Even
after she got serious with someone else, John continually tortured
himself by obsessing about her.

This
fixation on a former love is not unusual. Many have trouble letting go
after a relationship is over. The depression that follows the break-up
of a relationship is considered by mental health professionals to be a
normal part of grieving. However, to those going through it, the pain
can seem unbearable, and the accompanying behavior, embarrassing.

Why
do we get so attached to another human being? Spiritually, the
closeness that we feel serves us by propelling us into a sense of
oneness that reminds us of our connection to Source. Sociologically,
attachment keeps us together for the purpose of raising healthy babies
and continuing the species. Physiologically, a chemical reaction occurs
when we meet and bond with a partner.

When
a relationship is no longer flowing because one partner wants out or
for any other reason, however, it’s time for release. While the magic
of releasing gracefully may actually bring a partner back, one must
truly release without expectations for the future. As hard as it may be
to let go, it is actually much easier to release someone than to go
through the agony of holding on after the relationship is over.

Below
are some guidelines for releasing when it’s necessary. They make it
easier to let go and even expedite the process so you can free yourself
to move on.

1.
Allow yourself to cry and grieve without judgment. Embrace the tears –
welcome them even – because they are healing. Don’t fight your feelings
of depression and sadness. Let them be with trust that they will pass.
By letting your grieving flow freely, you will recover quicker.

2.
Surrender to the Divine moment-by-moment and day-by-day, especially
during the hard times. Trust that if you’re meant to be together,
eventually it will be. For now, however, you must release. There is a
certain magic in this. Each time you manage to surrender your pain to
the Source, you will be met by some unexpected good. I’ve seen this
come in the form of a distraction, a visit from a caring friend, or an
inspirational, uplifting email. This will build your trust. Understand
that you are and will be taken care of, even in the midst of your
sorrow. Watch for what shows up for you each day in the form of support
and love.

3.
One of the best ways to stop thinking obsessively about the other
person is to focus on yourself and your own life instead. What we look
for in a lover is usually something we think is missing in ourselves,
so it makes sense that attention to the self is what can actually fill
this void. By turning your attention to yourself, you heal. Open to the
Divine vision of yourself as a fulfilled, sacred being with an amazing
life. Declare that it is time that you come into your own. Be
self-empowered.

4.
When pain arises, embrace it, but don’t feed it. Yes, you must allow
the pain, but there are times when you must put it on the back burner
and get on with life. There is too much loving and living waiting for
you. Notice ways in which you feed your pain. Practice what psychology
calls the "observing ego," and spirituality calls "witness
consciousness." This is simply noticing that you’re allowing the pain
to mushroom. By noticing it, you dis-identify with it, and effectively
make a "break" with it. You can’t both be aware of your pain and let it
take you over at the same time. The act of simply noticing that you’re
wallowing in your pain will help you transcend it and move on.

Here’s a step-by-step approach to begin using your witness consciousness:

*Notice when you think of the person or your pain, and how often. This alone will begin to dissolve the pattern.

*Say
to yourself, "I’m thinking of him/her again." Watch yourself do this as
if you suddenly realize you’re sitting in a movie, instead of being
completely caught up in the movie.

*As
the pain dissolves, take a moment to feel the life spirit that animates
your being. Feel your body deeply. This puts you back in touch with
Source.

*Become
aware of this present moment. Look around to see what’s going on around
you, and find something to be grateful for, even if it’s simply the
gift of being alive.




reprinted with permission

 

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